Boomertisements

Corporate America is looking out for us boomers. The product investments on television are particularly telling. Kids, if you want to know what happens to you as you age, pay attention to what they are trying to get us to think we need. I have a couple favorites. First is the Heel-tastic! I never realized how rough the skin on my heels would get as I aged. Schedule time for sitting on the edge of the bathtub scraping layers of dead skin off your feet. Think of it as an archeological digs; each layer revealing a unique time in your life. When to do it? When they catch on the sheets as you straighten your tired legs, it's time for another expedition. If you can't find products like Heel-tastics, then you can use the Ped Egg, featuring a cute little catch cup for all the dead epidermis. Sweet.

While you're focusing all that attention on your feet however don't forget ladies, that your facial hair is growing all the while you do. Time out for a Tweezie. That's a little grabber that yanks those straggly hairs off your chin and jaw. They grow overnight and when you talk with people the following day, that's all they will be looking at.

Boomer guys, if you can't increase your size and performance by now there's no hope for you. Since Bob Dole spoke the praises of Viagra years ago, we've all had to picture the guy on the Cialis or ExtenZe commercials performing with increased effectiveness. You can't get enough of the image of two senior citizens in bed together after a double tub moment, right? More of that, please. I wonder how long it will take for someone to come out with Extenz for pets? Our companions aren't getting any younger either.

There is great news for us Boomers. Turns out the cat's out of the bag on Depends. I never realized until recently how many people wear adult diapers! Models on long photo shoots or stuck in a dress they can't bend in, astronauts, people on long cross country drives and criminals on the run. The stigma is gone. Now let's get the designers in on this and before too long we'll have diaper thongs! Oh, America...land of the free.