This writer's blogs can now be found at http://www.itspronouncedfawn.com
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
What I'm Learning About Sand
Although I lived very close to the shores of Lake Michigan (like Oprah) I managed to stay off the sand for the last twenty-five years. When I came out here to California, it didn't take me long to realize many of the things there are to know about sand.
1. When you're at the beach and get up to go, don't pick up the towel you were sitting on and shake the sand off it if you've been sitting right in front of a big guy with a bull dog. You'll apologize and he'll accept, but the lower lip attached to the big ugly teeth on the dog will twitch and you'll want to try to find your keys in the sand a little more quickly than you are.
2. Bringing a shallow bowl to put the dogs thermos bottled water in is just stupid. You'll dump out the sandy water and then try to wipe out the rest of the sand with the towel you brought along which is now full of...sand. Better to get your dog a beer can hat with the tube that goes right down the side of the head to the mouth.
3. Wearing running shoes and white sox as you walk down to the beach leaves you with shoes and sox full of sand that you haul around like a toddler with a full diaper. When you get home, you forget you have sand in your shoes so you take them off on the carpet which you then have to vaccuum. You still have sand on your feet so you have to sit on the edge of the tub and rinse them off. The sand doesn't go down the drain so you have to wash out the tub. Wear flip-flops.
4. It will never come out of your car completely.
5. If you think sitting on a towel is going to keep sand out of your underpants, you're wrong.
1. When you're at the beach and get up to go, don't pick up the towel you were sitting on and shake the sand off it if you've been sitting right in front of a big guy with a bull dog. You'll apologize and he'll accept, but the lower lip attached to the big ugly teeth on the dog will twitch and you'll want to try to find your keys in the sand a little more quickly than you are.
2. Bringing a shallow bowl to put the dogs thermos bottled water in is just stupid. You'll dump out the sandy water and then try to wipe out the rest of the sand with the towel you brought along which is now full of...sand. Better to get your dog a beer can hat with the tube that goes right down the side of the head to the mouth.
3. Wearing running shoes and white sox as you walk down to the beach leaves you with shoes and sox full of sand that you haul around like a toddler with a full diaper. When you get home, you forget you have sand in your shoes so you take them off on the carpet which you then have to vaccuum. You still have sand on your feet so you have to sit on the edge of the tub and rinse them off. The sand doesn't go down the drain so you have to wash out the tub. Wear flip-flops.
4. It will never come out of your car completely.
5. If you think sitting on a towel is going to keep sand out of your underpants, you're wrong.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Auto Pilot
Driving in California is a little different than back home in Wisconsin. I lived in a school zone, so my ususal speed was between 10 and 30mph. That's driveway speed here. There are so many apartment complexes with only one way in and out that there are fewer intersections, lights and crosswalks. That makes possible speed limits of 45-55mph just to get to Home Depot and the corner CVS. So if you move here, practice clamping down on the accelerator without your dog flying into the front seat.
You should also know that motorcycles can drive anywhere they want to. They are not considered the same as cars, like in some places, but more like teenagers on bicycles. Cycles can drive between stopped cars in a traffic jam, or slalom happily past you. If you're not used to looking directly next to yourself when you change lanes, you'll want to start. You may be sharing that lane with some kid on his way to the beach. Look out.
Something they definitely have right is the ability to do U-turns at most intersections. For people like me who are often going in completely the wrong direction, it's a timesaver. Way to go, California! Get with it, rest of the country.
Speaking of going the wrong way, GPS devices cannot be placed on the front windshield so when you cross the border, snap it off and stick it on the side or in your lap or something. Don't talk on the phone while you're doing that, though. Talking on the phone while driving is not allowed. It took me a little bit to get used to that. Ignoring a ringing phone is tough, especially when you you're sitting there alone. Some people loop tiny little devices on their ears, but I haven't worked that out yet. Maybe some nine year old will teach me how.
Speaking also of the GPS. After driving cross country with the lady with the British accent, I can tell you she's hard to dump. I tried changing it up for California so I activated the American man. I couldn't drive more than 15 minutes, I felt so dirty. Somewhere in that box was the little Brit wondering why I dumped her. His voice was not soothing and he sounded a little agitated and agressive. When I didn't turn the way the lady Brit told me, she sounded annoyed but very patiently said "recalculating" when I disobeyed her command. She's back with me again suction cupped onto the side window. If you want to play a good practical joke on someone with a Garmin, change the voice that it's set on. Guaranteed, the brake lights will come on after a couple blocks as they pull over to change it back. Good times.
You can't play "Beat the Pedestrian" like we do back home. You have to stop for walkers, so change your mindset. If you think of every pedestrian as your grandma, it helps. Unless of course you don't like your grandma.
So before you leave on your quest to the west, get to know the rules of the road. Oh, one more thing. People don't honk a lot here. The silence is noticeable, the patience beyond my understanding. If you want to stick out like a sore thumb, scream and wave your arms while your honking at someone to go. Chill, dude. You're in California.
You should also know that motorcycles can drive anywhere they want to. They are not considered the same as cars, like in some places, but more like teenagers on bicycles. Cycles can drive between stopped cars in a traffic jam, or slalom happily past you. If you're not used to looking directly next to yourself when you change lanes, you'll want to start. You may be sharing that lane with some kid on his way to the beach. Look out.
Something they definitely have right is the ability to do U-turns at most intersections. For people like me who are often going in completely the wrong direction, it's a timesaver. Way to go, California! Get with it, rest of the country.
Speaking of going the wrong way, GPS devices cannot be placed on the front windshield so when you cross the border, snap it off and stick it on the side or in your lap or something. Don't talk on the phone while you're doing that, though. Talking on the phone while driving is not allowed. It took me a little bit to get used to that. Ignoring a ringing phone is tough, especially when you you're sitting there alone. Some people loop tiny little devices on their ears, but I haven't worked that out yet. Maybe some nine year old will teach me how.
Speaking also of the GPS. After driving cross country with the lady with the British accent, I can tell you she's hard to dump. I tried changing it up for California so I activated the American man. I couldn't drive more than 15 minutes, I felt so dirty. Somewhere in that box was the little Brit wondering why I dumped her. His voice was not soothing and he sounded a little agitated and agressive. When I didn't turn the way the lady Brit told me, she sounded annoyed but very patiently said "recalculating" when I disobeyed her command. She's back with me again suction cupped onto the side window. If you want to play a good practical joke on someone with a Garmin, change the voice that it's set on. Guaranteed, the brake lights will come on after a couple blocks as they pull over to change it back. Good times.
You can't play "Beat the Pedestrian" like we do back home. You have to stop for walkers, so change your mindset. If you think of every pedestrian as your grandma, it helps. Unless of course you don't like your grandma.
So before you leave on your quest to the west, get to know the rules of the road. Oh, one more thing. People don't honk a lot here. The silence is noticeable, the patience beyond my understanding. If you want to stick out like a sore thumb, scream and wave your arms while your honking at someone to go. Chill, dude. You're in California.
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